I really do not know how to begin this as I have previous stories in here that kind of give an idea of why I have a blog, but I feel like I still owe an explaination.
I originally had a blog with another blogger and recieved an email to join this site and so here I am...so any story you see with a previous date is the ones written originally on the other blog.
I can honestly say that since my last entry titled: "When it rains...", things haven't been any better, which is one of the reasons that I haven't written since June.
Lets see here, it is now November and I am still concidered "unhirable", so much since my mom left that my temp angency won't even call me unless I am personally requested from a company that I have previously temped at.
I was temping at a really awesome company and they had me booked for a month and even asked me to apply for the position, but they decided to go another way because twice in the time I was there I missed a day and the other I had to leave as my children were alone and couldn't wake up their dad...that was the scariest, longest hour train ride home that I have ever had to endure. I thank god for my kids and how good they...my youngest, Hope is only 6 and she sat in this house waiting for me to get home from 8:00 am until almost 10:30 am and didn't leave her room, so many terrible things could have happened, but it didn't.
I hate being negative, and I am so negative, but I just sit here some days wondering if things are ever going to get better.
I have been so sick lately and have been in and out of the hospital that I had to have a talk with my children to let them know that just because Rick and I are going in and out of the hospital it does not mean that they will end up that way too...they say that your children are the product of their parents and if any of that statement is true than my kids are doomed.
Autumn, my oldest, has seen so much in her 11 years already that the last thing I wanted was for her to find me on the kitchen floor yesterday screaming in pain and crying for her to wake up Rick so he could help me off the floor. I am her mother and it is my job to be strong, especially through these times, but lately I find myself so very tired and all I want to do is go away somewhere where there is no noise, husbands, or kids...I just need a moment to breath and I just can't.
Rick and I never get to go anywhere, not to the movies, not out for diner, no where...we just don't have the money...can you believe that...we can't be a "couple" because we don't have the money to pay for it or to pay a babysitter, everything and I mean everything we bring into the house goes to bills and food.
I was crying the other night telling Rick about how much I just want silence...complete silence and he said that I should go out with my friends and just get away, but what he doesn't understand is that I just want to get away with him, that being with my friends doesn't give me that release I want, and that I am so sick and tired of people asking me how Rick is or if there is anything that the doctors can do to help him...it's like they don't even listen to me, nothing has improved and nothing can be done, period!
Friends who are suppose to be there during times like these are nowhere to be found and the ones who are have their own problems that they just can't be bothered with mine, what does it matter anyway, there is nothing that they can do.
Another Christmas is coming up and we can't buy our kids presents, I have gone to our local resource centre again to ask for help and as I am so thankful for places like these I want to be able to do it myself for once...when is it my turn to give back. My church is organizing a "shoe box" thing to give presents to children in third world countries and I don't even have money to do that...it rips my heart out...I know you are probably thinking to yourselves that we probably just need to cut down on other expenses or something, but I am not lying to you...we haven't been out together or as a family at all this year...at all.
Last night we were so broke that Rick sold his games to a friend for $50 just so we could get milk and bread.
I have lost all sense of hope, I use to have moments where I would smile or laugh, but I barely do that...I just don't know what to do.
I am really sorry, I don't mean to bring anyone down who is reading this, I just need to let my frustration out somehow and screaming to the point of no voice or breaking stuff is just not a good idea.
I have to say that I have gotten very angry with God, but I have had two really positive things happen too and I need to give him thanks for them.
My church has offered to pay for them to join a childrens club that the church organizes saving us almost a hundred dollars and they love it so much that it all they can talk about when they return every Wednesday night...it's pretty awesome.
I have also just recently become a grad, I wrote my GED and past...I have experienced few happinesses in my life where I have been proud for myself, and this is one of them.
For those of you who are following me I have a new blog on www.storylane.com, come see me over there!
Robyn
