Wow! It's been a while since I have been in here, a lot of that reason is because I am not sure if it is really worth writing about...is anybody even reading this and if so is it making a difference or an impact?
My husband says that it really shouldn't matter and that no matter how I look at it I need a sound board more than anything else...so here I am once again.
I noticed that I never gave a link for Sleep apnea and thought I better as my husband has had friends ask him what stage of sleep apnea he suffers from so the link below is for those of you with questions.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_apnea
He is what they classify as "chronic severe obstructive sleep apnea".
It's so funny, we were talking last night and he was reminding me about the time he walked to the coffee shop in the middle of the night to get a coffee, but didn't even remember going...the only indication that he did was when he woke up from his sleepy state to see a coffee cup sitting beside him.
This kind of thing happens all the time. I do not feel safe going to sleep at night for fear of waking up to the front door being wide open and my husband is nowhere to be found. He wonders around without having any idea about where he's going or where he's been, we even have had our neighbours bring him home in the middle of the night because they found him wondering around with no recollection of where he was heading...usually it's for coffee or smokes (when he is trying to quit).
My neighbours and I have this joke that they are going to get him a collar saying "if found please return". As funny as this is and we laugh about it, it's extremely scary too...what if he wonders onto the street and gets hit by a car or someone thinks he's got money and tries to rob him...as he is fully capable when he is coherent to defend himself, but it's a completely different situation when he in this state and almost comes across as seeming intoxicated those of us who have witnessed him like this know by the way that he stumbles and slurs his words even though he is completely sober.
He amazes me, I can't even imagine what it must be like for him, but even though he is going through all of this he still manages to keep his calm and go on with life.
On March 14 I went into the hospital and got a tubal ligation. This was one of the hardest decisions that we had to make and we did it as a family, but as most of you may know we have three children already and can't afford to have anymore. When I went in for the orientation the surgeon told me that it is an "uncomplicated" procedure and that I should be back at work within a few days...it's been 5 weeks and I am just getting back to feeling like myself again. Now this wouldn't be a problem in most families, but my husband has had to take the load of being a father, housekeeper, and husband without any help from me and he has done it without complaint and whats more...a smile...I know he is so tired that if he had the ability to actually get any rest what so ever he would take it in a heartbeat, but instead of rub that in my face he just goes on as if nothing has happened.
I am one of the luckiest people on the planet to have found someone like him.
He's got the best charisma about him and can make anyone laugh, even when they are in the worst mood ever...I am so grateful for the time that we have been given together.
I have been off work for over a month now and we have had to access our food bank, take in all our extra bottles, and I even requested the little bit of vacation pay that I receive from the little bit of hours I did work and we have barely been able to make ends meet. I have been out of my mind wracking my brain trying to think what we could pawn or what we are going to do, and to add insult to injury AISH has raised our benefits only to lower the amount of money I am aloud to make a month. So instead of being able to bring home close to $1000\mth I am now only aloud to make $500\mth, it seems like when it rains it pours.
I have been feeling so depressed lately, I can't eat, sleep, and the smallest thing like playing with my kids has been a task...I wish....I don't even know what I wish anymore.
I do know that I need to say thank you to my husband, kids, friends, Calgary Food Bank, and work...and to my sister's boyfriend...he came to our aid last week when we had barely any food left and my pets were even going to starve....thank you.
i know what its like to have severe obstructive sleep apnea i wake up and cough from choking and not breathing
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the reasons why I started this blogg, not just to vent, but also for others suffering from it to do so also.
DeleteHow serious is your sleep apnea, have you been treated for it yet?
I really enjoyed reading this about how great your husband is. I think we all know how great he is also, but this just went to further support our feelings. I would however like to say how great you are. You have had a lot on your plate too and have taken it in stride. Just as he has assumed his role, you have also taken on your role in stride and even have the strength and openness to give us more insight into your life and for that I thank you. So many people have things going on in their life and think the way to deal with it is put up and shut up. This is not true. It is good for all of us to talk about our feelings and emotions to allow other to realize how tough things can be and to also give everyone appreciation of life. It is heart-warming to see you post this and never once ask for pity. It is wonderful to see 2 people have such a strong bond to endure so much. For this, I applaud both of you for the struggle and for the determination to make things work no matter what. Love you both!!!
ReplyDeleteI don't know how to tell you how much your words touched me and I feel saying thank you to you isn't enough, but thank you so much for your kind words it means the world to us.
DeleteI think everyone needs an outlet, some way or someone to vent to. Its surprising to me how many people out there can really understand or give support when your going through a tough time. What you are doing by posting your struggles on here may not only be helping you but others as well. I'm a single mom of 2 beautiful girls and have also had a bit of a struggle. I left an abusive relationship 7 years ago thinking I was nothing but knowing I had to do something for my kids sake being they were only 2 and 4 at the time. I went into a shelter and was able to get housing and an apartment within 3 weeks. I have had to grow up with my kids, use welfare and food banks. I have tried going to college and working in that time but lives situations, depression, anxiety and adhd have gotten in the way more then once. I'm still trying and thinking of applying for some jobs here real soon cause I'm tired of being poor and not having money to take my kids to fun places. I wouldn't have been able to get to where I am today without great friends and some family but most importantly, my kids. I think its amazing how much strength we can pull from ourselves when times call for it. Never give up hope for brighter days hun, they will come. Try to keep a positive attitude and know your not alone, people are here to support you and try to help out when they can even if it is just an encouraging word here or there. I hope those days come soon for you and your family :)
ReplyDeleteThank you QueenB for sharing your hardship with me, this is one of the reasons why I started this blogg so that people like us could vent and maybe offer support to each other. I can't imagine what it must be like trying to raise two children alone, but I can relate to being in an abusive relationship and having to make the difficult choice to leave (not my current relationship). I didn't have children with him, but I did have two miscarriages and he was responsible for the second. You must be an extremely strong person and I really appreciate your kind words to me...don't give up either...good things come to good people. :-)
DeleteJust wanted you to know that I will be praying for you both, Robyn. You are not alone, never alone. I am so glad that you can still see the good in the situation and hope that continues no matter what. I will watch this blog and continue to lift you all up in prayer.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your prayers and kind words, our faith is one of the things that have kept us stay positive through all of this and more from others are greatly appreciated.
DeleteI feel terrible that I did not know you were going through this. I knew your husband was very sick but did not know with what. Thank you for sharing your life and struggles with us all. I will keep reading.
ReplyDelete